I Recorded an Angry Response Video. Then I Deleted It and Did This Instead.
On hate comments, lesbian identity, and what it looks like to actually practice what you preach.
Dear friend,
This weekend, I struggled to practice what I preach.
I was supposed to send my Sunday letter to you yesterday, but I couldn’t get myself to finish it. I was too distracted by a pile of hate that was being dumped into the comments of an Instagram reel of mine.
For Lesbian Visibility Week, I posted a video talking about the difference between “lesbian” and “queer” — specifically how I identify as both, why queer feels more expansive to me, and how my novel Because Fat Girl explores what happens when a lesbian-identified character falls for a cis man, something a few people in my own life have navigated.
To me, it was a nuanced, personal conversation about identity, community, and why I love the word queer even as I claim lesbian with pride. Apparently, not everyone agreed.
Being told I am “not lesbian enough” is something I’ve dealt with since I came out at twelve. I’ve got 30+ years of receipts, I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.
Mostly, I ignored the haters.
But some comments still stung — especially ones saying my inclusive definition of lesbian and my novel Because Fat Girl give men permission to assault lesbians.
The general idea is that by saying I’m a lesbian who occasionally finds a man – specifically Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – attractive, I am playing into the idea that all lesbians just haven’t found the right man. And therefore, men could “change” them through coercion or force.
It’s something editors of my book worried about as well – and it’s total bullshit.
The only person at fault in that scenario is the man.
But we are so horrible at holding men accountable for their actions – especially when it comes to assault – that we instead blame someone like me, who talks about my lesbian identity with nuance.
It’s horrifically insulting and highly problematic.
I wanted to fight back.
I even recorded an angry response video!
Then I looked at my North Star vision board, my 3-Pillar Legacy, my primary question – all the things that make up my Creative Life Blueprint. All the things that matter to me in life.
Clapping back at strangers on the internet suddenly didn’t feel important anymore.
So I walked away.
I went to the San Diego Book Crawl and felt grounded in my literary community.
I spent a rainy day reading Behooved, a book with a character who also can’t digest gluten!, and felt less alone.
I danced along the shore with a friend from out of town and felt loved.
I did the work to define what matters to me and then followed the path I’d set out for the life I want to live.
I practiced what I teach in Creative Life Blueprint (you can get the full process I use here).
And I’m really proud of myself for that.
Let this be a reminder for all of us to get out of the comments and into a good book.
Because the world needs our stories now more than ever.
With love,
Lauren
P.S. Want to help cheer me up after all of that hate? Leave a 5-star review for Because Fat Girl on Amazon or Goodreads today. It really helps counteract the haters, boost my visibility, and help me get the next books out.
Books I found at the Book Crawl that I’m excited to read:
Behooved by M. Stevenson – Magic, political treason, and gluten intolerance – I’m in!
What Is Queer Food? by John Birdsall – A look at the history of queer culture through how we feed ourselves and others – I’m intrigued!
Stages and Phases two poetry books by Tramaine Suubi – Tramaine said she decided to be her own Black queer archive and I LOVED that, so I bought all her books.
Death Valley Blooms by S. M. Mack – I sat next to Smack during our book signings at UCSD and loved the premise of this fantasy novella set in the desert where I grew up.
