Is happiness worth pursuing? Is there something better to seek instead?

A look at how the pursuit of happiness might be leading to discontent, and how "self-care" can feel like too much when we're already overworked. Plus, ideas for what we might want to seek instead.

Aug 15, 2024

Dear friend,

Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by the pursuit of happiness? Or like “self-care” is just another thing to add to your already too long to-do list?

As I prepare for my debut novel to come out in the world, I’m finding myself wondering if happiness is something I should be seeking at all, or if there is a better measurement for success instead.

In November 2014, I faced the horrible realization that I may never be happy again. My brother had died two years before and the PTSD from the horrific circumstances of his death was only getting worse.

My girlfriend had left me, my bank accounts were almost empty, and my family was in disarray, none of us prepared for grief of this magnitude.

I sat on the floor of my room wondering if life was worth living without happiness.

The answer that came to me was one of the most profound life lessons I’ve ever learned. As if from somewhere beyond – be it God, my future self, or simply self-preservation – a resounding voice spoke in my ear, giving me the key to happiness that I desperately needed in that moment:

Take a nap.

And so, I did.

It was the nap that saved me. The rest allowed my brain to reset and get some distance from the situation. It allowed me to see that I may never feel happiness again, but I could still pursue joy.

Happiness vs. Joy

Happiness, to me, was the absence of sadness. It was, by definition, an impossible to produce state requiring contentment and good fortune. My grief was so great that my life was so very far from either of those things.

Joy, on the other hand, was delight, pleasure, and well-being. Joy did not require the absence of sadness. It allowed me to be sad and still enjoy a meal, have an orgasm, or go for a walk.

For years, I have pursued joy as a sort of religious doctrine, seeking pleasure, delight and well-being. I wrote the Queerie Bradshaw blog all about seeking pleasure as a queer femme and I wrote Bawdy Love: 10 Steps to Profoundly Loving Your Body and encouraged people to find #dailydecadence in their lives. I still teach about the healing power of journaling and the positive effect writing has on your well-being.

It’s been great. Life-changing. Truly wonderful.

But it often feels like a full-time job, exhausting and overwhelming to have the “self-help” and “well-being” tasks added to my already overflowing to-do list.

The other day, I was complaining to a friend about all that I have to get done before my novel BECAUSE FAT GIRL launches out into the world in October. With good intentions, she told me to make sure I left time for happiness and joy in the process, then proceeded to list all the things I should be doing

On top of all the things I have to do in life, you expect me to eat right, exercise, stretch, journal and meditate too?

Who has time for it all?

Apparently, I’m not alone in feeling like the pursuit of happiness is leading to more overwhelm and discontent.

Recently, I read a thought-provoking piece in the New York Times by opinion columnist Jesica Grose (you can read a gifted version of the article here).

“The Joyless Quest for Peak Happiness” explored whether tracking our happiness is actually making any of us happier – and whether we should be seeking something else out.

Here are some parts of the article that really resonated with me:

"I think it's a pretty serious mistake to think that what life is about is your moment-to-moment mood. I think that's a recipe for depression and anxiety." – quoting Martin Seligman, a University of Pennsylvania professor studying happiness
For all the supposed happiness boosting strategies that aren’t supported by evidence, one of the few things that might move the needle is social contact. … Engaging with other people as our imperfect selves shatters the illusions of control that we have when we’re attempting to optimize our moment-to-moment feelings.
[One personal happiness researcher suggests that instead of happiness], focus instead of contentment, “the feeling of being satisfied with your life overall.”

My takeaway was this:

Thinking about happiness as the end-goal will only lead to discontent.

Instead, think of “happy” as one emotion amid a myriad of complex and beautiful feelings that make up a satisfying overall life.

I am feeling that full myriad of emotions as I prepare to get my body, my business, and my book ready for our October 22 debut.

In my ambitious pursuit of “dreams come true” and a “live well-lived”, it’s easy for me to forget to take time to rest and process it all.

I started writing my first novel at the age of 22, and have been actively pursuing the goal of a traditionally published book for the two decades since then. I’ve overcome homophobia, fat phobia, depression, grief, and all kinds of life hurdles to get to this point, and I am finally here.

That should be oh-so-exciting, right?

I should totally feel happiness and joy all the time, right?

Except twenty years builds up a lot of expectations.

This dream come true arrives on a tsunami of emotions that keeps building as it makes its way to shore. Some days, I’m floating high. Other days, it feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water.

A few times I’ve had to give up hope and let myself drown.

I keep having to relearn the same lesson over and over again: rest is an integral part of life.

Nothing can be achieved if we are depleted, especially not happiness.

So, I’m prioritizing both rest and rejuvenation. I’m turning off my computer at 6pm, being in bed by 9:30, and lazy Sundays reading the paper. I’m eating food that feels good to my sensitive stomach and taking walks (that often turn into naps) in the park with my dog, Albee.

I’m trying to see these things not as additions to my overwhelming to-do list, but as the core of living a contented life.

How about you?

What are you doing to feel contentment? What’s your relationship with happiness? How is joy different from happiness for you? What are you pursuing?

I’d love to know in the comments.