What Bravery Looks Like for Me Right Now
A missed party, a cup of esquites, and a lesson in discernment, boundaries, and trusting myself in a world that rewards performative courage.
Three notices before we start: 1) My Substack is now focused on intimate insights and letters about the creative process, you can read why here, 2) You can now listen to the posts via the VoiceOver feature (podcast options coming to Spotify and Apple soon!), and 3) Letters will now be on Sundays. ENJOY!
Dear friend,
My first thought when I arrived at my place in Mexico City was, “I want to cry.”
My second thought was, “quiero esquites.”
As soon as I landed, the plan had been to run off to a “fiesta para las saficas, amigays y disidencias bienvenides” (I love that phrasing so much). My friend, Caro, was going to join me, and we were going to dance the night away, kicking off my trip with queer joy.
But then Caro got sick and my phone wouldn’t work, and I didn’t have it in me to go to a part of town I didn’t know, to a party I’d never attended, without access to my phone to help me get there and back.
So, I decided to meander the Coyoacán plaza eating esquites instead.
Which was totally the right decision. It’s smart, sensible, and realistic. It met me where I was, protected my safety, and still honored my trip’s beginning.
So then why did I feel like such a coward?
The Allure of Bravery
“You’re so brave,” is a phrase I hear frequently, and it’s often more of a commentary on society than me.
You’re so brave to be out and proud.
You’re so brave to wear a bikini on the beach.
You’re so brave to travel alone as a woman.
All of those things take bravery not because of some valiant act on my part, but because we live in a society that is often unsafe for queer, fat, femme bodies. And I’m still white, middle class, relatively mobile, and cis and straight passing, with a U.S. passport, all of which allow me access to spaces and privileges that others don’t have.
I don’t want it to be an act of bravery to simply exist.
But the truth is, it takes a lot of guts to follow your joy in this world.
It’s scary as hell to pursue the people and things that you love.
Where do you find yourself being “brave”? How do you feel about that word? Let me know in the comments.
At my core, I am a coward.
As a kid, I was afraid of everything from scary movies to playing sports to going to parties.
To be fair, all three of those things still scare the shit out of me.
Horror stories give me nightmares, the idea of competitive team sports makes me break out in hives, and if you see me at a party I might look calm, cool, and collected but I’m secretly freaking out inside rethinking everything I’ve said and wondering what the hell to do with my hands.
Every single day, there is something new to be afraid of, from the rise of the far-right, to the rapid growth of AI, to health issues, to facing my finances, to running my business, to dating cute queers.
But the thing that scares me the most is letting fear decide the shape of my life.
Do It Scared
Years ago, I realized that my fear of rejection was holding me back in my business. So, I created this sticker chart, where I rewarded myself each time I made one brave ask.
If you’ve been around here for a while, you know how much that sticker chart – which I now call 33 Asks® – changed my business and career. It took me to six-figures, got me a literary agent, and helped make my novel Because Fat Girl a success.
And you’ve probably heard me talk about how it changed my sex life and helped me stop being afraid of falling in love.
But I’m only truly beginning to understand how much of my life has been made better by treating resilience as a muscle I actively work.
Am I the Only Person Who Friggin' Hates Falling in Love?
In theory, I am out here looking for a primary partner. In practice, I am scared shitless of actually finding love. Read more about what happens when you realize you've been protecting yourself from the very connection you're desperately seeking.
There is Power in Saying No
Usually, I think of resilience as saying yes to something I believe in, pushing past a fear of rejection, and going for what I want in life.
But one of the most profound lessons I’ve learned from 33 Asks® is to embrace and celebrate the power of a no.
As someone who actively participates in BDSM, I love a good boundary. One of my biggest red flags – and a major turnoff – is a play partner who says they’re “down for anything.” Knowing our limits allows us to play within them, avoiding both harm and overwhelm.
It’s like when you’re trying to decide where to eat for dinner and no one has an opinion. The options are so limitless that you end up scrolling on your phone for hours looking for a place until everyone is so hangry and annoyed that you end up eating stale crackers in bed.
Through 33 Asks®, I’ve learned to detach from “yes” and “no” and instead make asking for what I want the win.
Not only has that helped me to connect with people from a place of abundance and openness, it’s also made it so I feel safer saying no in my own life.
Past Lauren might have thought it was brave to take a cab to a distant part of town to go dance in a bar full of strangers.
But current Lauren knows that her nervous system needs to feel safe, grounded, and well-rested right now.
In the past, the party would have been a hell yes.
That night, it was a hard no.
All versions of myself require me to ask what I truly want in each moment and to be brave enough to trust my answer.
Trust is the Bravest Act of All
The only way I can be so openly out and proud, comfortably wear a bikini on the beach, and travel the world by myself is that I’ve built years of trust — both in myself and in the world around me.
That night in the plaza, I had to trust that I was making the right decision for me at that moment.
I had to trust my body to know its limitations.
I had to trust that there would be another queer women’s party for me to attend at a better time.
I had to trust the esquites wouldn’t give me food poisoning (fun fact: most of my Mexican friends won’t eat esquites from street vendors because of the potential for illness…).
And I had to trust that even if I made the wrong choice — if I never made it to a lesbian party in Mexico and got horrible food poisoning — I would still survive.
In the end, trusting myself was the right move.
My heart was happy seeing the square come alive at night.
The esquites were delicious.
And the next day, I woke up well rested and ready to write.
What brave act have you done lately?
I’d love to hear how you’re leaning into trusting yourself.
Let me know in the comments. I love hearing from you.
Here’s to being bravely trusting ourselves.
With love,
Lauren
Sharing Is Caring
Here are some relevant resources that you might find helpful if you liked today’s letter:
If you liked the sticker I posted, check out @cristinadelgado.art for more.
Want to build up your resilience? Check out my free Creative Resilience Toolkit. Or better yet, sign up to learn my full 33 Asks® creative resilience framework. It truly is life-changing.
As I walk the streets of Coyoacán, I’m listening to this playlist. Thought I’d share in case you want some music for your meanderings.
I’m also listening to the Dungeon Crawler Carl series on audiobook and really loving it. If you’re a fan of video games and/or quirky sci-fi, I highly suggest it.
*Some of these links might be affiliate links, but I only share resources I love, regardless of affiliate status.
I use to and still often struggle with second guessing myself. Trying to be “perfect” by saying and doing the “right” things. I know it stems a lot from childhood. I love the gentle nudges from the heart and following up on them. Little rewards (and big mixed in) along the way to remind me I’m on the right path. And even still the reality of life is… it still sucks a lot too. So what are my values? Honing in on those. Like rest, creating art, serving community and community action, loving my family, etc. Navigating the messiness of life with grave and bravery. Always love your words and pondering them. Xo
I was always afraid to speak Infront of people.
Two years back a friend of mine invited me to an event as one of the guest speakers,I was so nervous but I knew that I had a beat to overcome and this was the time.I had to trust myself confidently,and I did it.Speaking at this event built things in me that I didn't know existed and that's how I promised myself to always be brave