I Spent Years Thinking I Wasn’t Brave Enough
I kept wondering where my career would be if I’d had the guts to move to Los Angeles like my male classmates did. But a closer look at the industry changed how I see everything.
Dear friend,
I had a gut-wrenching, snot-filled, on-the-floor cry after my TV comedy writing class on Tuesday.
And no, it wasn’t because I got to watch Tom Kinney, the man who voices SpongeBob Squarepants, perform the character in real time – although that was quite impressive and inspiring to see.
I was bawling my eyes out because of what Jill Talley, actor famous for the voice of Karen Plankton, and Carol Rosenthal, sketch comedian turned casting director, shared about their experiences in the industry.
Especially how it was in the 90’s and 00’s – the time period when I tried to start my film career.
The offensive jokes you were expected to laugh at.
The grin and bear it attitude towards misogyny.
The pressure to be rail thin and gorgeous while simultaneously funny and approachable.
The expectation to turn a blind eye when you saw something horrible happen.
The being told it was your fault when you rocked the boat and lost a job.
The toxicity of the industry was there, simmering under every anecdote and experience.
For decades, I beat myself up for not being brave enough to try to make it in Hollywood.
As I dive back into filmmaking, I keep wondering where my career would be if I’d just had the balls to move to Los Angeles like my male classmates did.
I keep seeing this as a me problem. Something I did wrong.
I blame myself for not “making it” in Hollywood, ignoring the fact that:
I was continuously told – in high school, film school and after graduation – that “Hollywood will be horrible to someone like you,” or “L.A. is so mean to fat girls, you don’t want to live there,” or “you really can’t be out as a lesbian in Hollywood.”
I was the only girl in most of my film school classes. I remember being encouraged away from directing my own films and towards critiquing the films others made. Every boy I knew went into directing.
We rarely, if ever, saw films with women directors, producers, or cinematographers. When women were onscreen in the films we studied, it was almost exclusively as the object of male desire.
Even though I studied in San Francisco, I only recall being shown one film with LGBTQ characters – and it was a Western that completely negated and erased both the queer and trans identity of a real life historical figure. When I said that in my critique, the male professor brushed me off.
I was routinely warned about the dangers for women in the industry, and told to never be alone in a room with a male producer. These warnings were taught with the curriculum, alongside “never leave your camera unattended on a busy street or you might be robbed.” You were just asking for it if you did.
And the list goes on and on and on.
So much of it I brushed off or even forgot about – until I hear other women talk about how horrible the industry was at that time.
Then it all comes flooding back.
And with it, tears for my younger self who overcame so much to get to where she is today.
I’m learning to go from shaming my younger self to being so damn proud of her.
Of course, I didn’t feel safe applying to the production intern jobs my male colleagues got in Los Angeles.
Of course, I went and interned at a lesbian magazine in San Francisco instead.
It wasn’t cowardice – it was self-preservation.
If I was a coward, I wouldn’t have:
left my small, conservative farming town to move to San Francisco,
studied Italian film for a year in Firenze,
worked abroad in the Czech Republic,
travelled around Eastern Ukraine,
worked as a nude model for art classes,
moved to Oregon to get a law degree,
ran a lesbian sex blog while in law school,
spoken at Yale about queer porn,
or persevered for years to get a traditional publishing book deal.
All of that took bravery.
All of that was me living a boldly creative life as far from the misogynistic, homophobic, fatphobic, and problematic AF world of Hollywood.
I didn’t give up on my dreams – I found a safer path to accomplish them.
During my last year of undergrad, I was in masters-level screenwriting classes and truly excelling. My professor pulled me aside and talked to me about pursuing a career in the industry.
He warned me that, unfortunately, screenwriters were often treated horribly in the industry (see a pattern here?).
But, there was a loophole he said:
“Write a novel.”
He showed the class Dances with Wolves and told us the story about how the creator, Michael Blake, originally wrote it as a spec script, but no one would buy it.
So, Kevin Costner told him to turn it into a novel.
With the novel and the script, the two of them were able to get funding to make the film – which Costner starred in and it was his directorial debut.
The film went on to win 7 of the 12 Oscars it was nominated for, including a best adapted screenplay win for Michale Blake, a Best Director win for Kevin Costner, and best picture. It’s also considered a leading influence for the revitalization of the Western.
And he never would have been able to get the movie made if he hadn’t written the novel first.
“You want to get your screenplay made,” Professor McBride suggested, “Go write a novel.”
So, that’s what I did.
Pursuing publishing wasn’t giving up – it was a part of the plan all along.
Now that I have three books published and more on the way, I’m ready to start using my decades of storytelling experience to come back to my first love of filmmaking.
I’m taking classes again.
I’m writing scripts again.
I’m even in pre-production for a short film.
And it all feels so friggin’ great to be back in this visual medium.
Arriving with Leverage
Lately, I’ve been trying to reframe “I’m late to the game” to “I’m arriving with leverage.”
I’m arriving with over thirty years of storytelling experience.
I’m arriving with maturity, clarity, and stability.
I’m arriving with confidence, contacts, and the receipts to prove I can do this.
Most of all, I’m arriving with a community of support, who will remind me of my values and help to keep me safe.
I’m not late. I’m right on time.
What about you, friend?
Is there something you’ve been putting off for too long that you’re ready to pursue?
Is there something you’re arriving to with leverage?
Do you resonate with choosing a different path because the obstacles of oppression were just too hard on the original one?
Let me know in the comments
I’m excited to cheer you on for whatever path your journey takes.
With love and perseverance,
Lauren
P.S. I’m not one to quote the Bible, but a client shared this from James 1, Verse 2 and I loved it so much I thought I’d share it here as well:
“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Sharing Is Caring
Here are some relevant resources that you might find helpful if you liked today’s letter:
The key to making your creative dreams come true? Resilience. And I’ve got some fun and colorful tools to help you build up yours. Check it out at 33Asks.com.
I still keep in touch with my screenwriting Professor James McBride – even thanked him in the acknowledgement of Because Fat Girl. He has a new book out that’s a great insight into acting and directing. Grab a copy here.
My novel Because Fat Girl is a look at what my life would have been like if I hadn’t given up on my film directing dreams – and if The Rock fell in love with me. It’s as fun as it sounds. You should grab a copy here.
If you liked this post, here are two more you’ll also love:
How I Reset My Entire Life Every Two Years
·
The exact process I use to live a boldly creative life, so you can use it too.
Will This Help Me Win an Oscar Surrounded by People I Love?
·
How one question changed my creative career.
*Some of these links might be affiliate links, but I only share resources I love, regardless of affiliate status.