The Loneliness Epidemic Is Real — and Here's What I'm Doing About It
On loneliness, hyper-individualism, and why I'm making a movie to force myself to stop doing everything alone.
Dear friend,
I’m lonely.
Are you lonely?
Let’s talk about it.
The Loneliness Epidemic
In spring of 2023, US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared loneliness an epidemic in the United States.
Murthy said that loneliness is not just a feeling — it creates a health risk for individuals and society. And while people started feeling lonelier during the COVID pandemic, this is a problem we’ve been having for way longer than that.
30% of people in the age group 30 to 44 — my age group — report feeling frequently or always alone or lonely.
57% of people surveyed — whether they experienced loneliness or not — said they were unable to share their true selves with people.
They found no real difference between women, men, and non-binary people, nor between political ideology, race, or ethnic identity. Education levels didn’t really play a part in it, but income did. People who made less felt a lot less supported.
The study described loneliness as “a fundamental sense of disconnection from others or the world.”
Here’s what people said they thought was causing it:
73% said technology was creating a barrier between them and connection with others.
62% said work was keeping them from meeting their needs in other ways. 60% said mental health challenges kept them from connecting.
But 58% said that living in a hyper-individualistic society like the United States was the leading cause of feeling isolated, lonely, with no social support.
Our disconnection is causing our loneliness.
The Millennial Loneliness Problem
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we see this most in millennials — and not just because we’re in midlife. I think a part of is it because we grew up projecting a version of ourselves into the internet.
As somebody who puts up a polished front in so many ways, I share intimate parts of myself, but I also keep a part of myself for me. I come on and do these videos about how lonely I am, but I check my hair and my glasses and my lighting and my sound to make sure everything looks polished enough for the internet.
You gotta do it for the grid. You gotta ask what’s actually going to get people to read this. We’re all content creators now.
But there’s something else. There was a specific form of feminism — and do not get me wrong, I love feminism — but there was a specific form of feminism in my age group that was all about being the girl who is comfortable being alone. And I bought hard into that. I judged women who wanted to get married. I thought they were pathetic if they wanted to be in a relationship.
I saw woman after woman settling for shitty men, and I was like: that is not going to be me.
And instead of joining classes or group outings, I sat alone writing books in cafes. And I glorified that. And I still do, actually. I think it’s a really great thing to be somebody who is comfortable on your own.
But I took it way too far to the other side.
Did you?
I remember the specific Instagram video that went viral — even before reels — that praised the importance of time alone. Just you, not a book, not a TV on, nothing but you and your brain. And every woman I knew reposted it and sent it to me and said: this is what it means to be a mentally healthy, totally stable, wonderful feminist millennial woman.
I am not saying you should shack up with the wrong people. I am all about hard boundaries, and there are people in my life I do not let anywhere near me. I don’t think we should be around people just to be around people.
But I do think we need to do more collaborative stuff.
What I’m Doing About It
When this study came out in 2023, I realized I had been a serious victim of this loneliness epidemic. It was really affecting my mental health.
So here are some things I decided to do to help break the cycle.
One, when my novel Because Fat Girl came out, I decided it was going to be a collaborative, fun party that I was going to do with people.
My book didn’t hit any of those giant lists I wanted it to hit, but I felt like it was a major success because I got to do it with my people.
Two, I decided to spend a year dating.
I revived my Queerie Bradshaw blog — the very first thing I ever wrote on the internet, about my dating and sex life. I did my 33 Asks® program and went out and asked 33 people to go on dates with me. I started putting myself out there with the intention not just of dating, but of being surrounded by as many queer people as often as possible.
And three — this one is probably the most exciting — I decided to make a movie!
In April, I sat in a meeting where they defunded the arts in San Diego, and I thought: I want to do something here. I want to bring a group of artists together and make something.
The kind of movies I want to make, I literally can’t do by myself. So it has been a forcing mechanism for me to remove this idea that I’ll just do it alone, that I don’t need to ask for help.
I don’t know the answer to the loneliness epidemic, but I think that collaboration, community, and creativity is a major part of it.
Which is why I’m bringing you all along on my filmmaking journey with me.
Not just because I need you to make the movie, which I do. I need your talent, I need your cheerleading, and I need your help funding the crowdfunding campaign. But because I’m tired of this idea that we should do it all on our own.
Wherever you are in the world, you may not be able to be on set, but you can join us by following the crowdfunding campaign and getting behind-the-scenes messages, by subscribing to my Substack, YouTube, and Instagram.
And if you’re in San Diego, by coming and joining us on set!
I’m hoping this is one of multiple projects I’m able to make here in San Diego, locally in my community, with you around the world joining in virtually — so we feel more connected and less alone.
That’s the answer to everything that’s going on: connection and community. That is how we break this idea that there is no hope. That is how we don’t let the current political situation silence our voices.
Because the world needs our stories now more than ever.
With love and creativity,
Lauren
P.S. The crowdfunding campaign for No Animals Harmed is officially ON — and I’d love your help getting this film made. Every donation and every share matters more than you know.
Check out NoAnimalsHarmedFilm.com to see how you can be part of it. I literally could not do this without you.
I wonder how "loneliness" correlates with "lack of Purpose"? I find them inversely proportional related.