Why I Burned Down My Successful Sex Blog (And Why I'm Building It Back Up)
How grief, trauma, and shame silenced my voice — and why reclaiming desire is the most radical thing I can do right now. The rise, fall, and resurrection of Queerie Bradshaw.
There was a time, about a decade ago, when I was kind of a big deal on the Internet.
Not only did I run QueerieBradshaw.com, one of the very first lesbian sex blogs, but I also had columns for Curve, VICE, Autostraddle, and the Huffington Post, and wrote one-off pieces for multiple media outlets. A recent law school graduate, I was becoming the go-to expert on obscenity laws and queer porn.
I won awards, was written about and quoted in major publications like Cosmo, Glamour, and Bust, and got invites to speak at prestigious conferences and colleges, including Brown and Yale.
I was at the top of my game, rising meteorically in fame.
And then I burned it all down.
When people ask me why I stopped writing about sex at the peak of Queerie Bradshaw’s fame, I tell them “it was time,” or “I wanted to branch out.” Which is true, to an extent.
But more accurately, I would say that writing about sex and kink no longer felt good. Because sex and kink no longer felt safe.
Publicly, it was a time of intense doxxing, angry call outs, and a lack of empathy on the Internet. It felt like every time I published a new post on my site or one of the news outlets I used to write for, I would get some kind of death threat or trolling comment that would hit too close to home.
Personally, grief and PTSD from watching three family members die, one violently so, had really taken a toll on my mental health. On top of that, I was dating someone who wasn’t interested in sex, and our interactions left me frustrated and ashamed of my own desires.
The combination made me emotionally volatile, and when my partner told me I was verbally abusive, I took that to heart, swearing off sex and dating until I could trust that I wouldn’t harm myself or others.
Writing about sex and kink no longer felt good, because sex and kink no longer felt safe.
What was supposed to be a stepping away from my Queerie Bradshaw online persona ended up becoming an ever-increasing withdrawal from the sex and kink community.
My thirties felt like a stacking of one thing on top of the other keeping me from feeling safe and secure in talking about, engaging in, and having fun with sex, kink, and romance. Some of the highlights include:
Watching my brother die.
Being told I couldn’t ever sell books on queer sex and that I should move to fiction if I ever want to be traditionally published.
Wanting to create a name for myself as Lauren Marie Fleming, not the pen name Queerie Bradshaw.
Knowing that my legacy was in helping others write their truths, not just teaching about sex.
Dating someone who was not as interested in sex (and possibly asexual) and not having the skills to manage our difference in desires.
Dating multiple people who shamed me for my body and its wants.
Having a BDSM scene go very wrong in a way that left my body and soul feeling violated and unsafe.
Losing my nephew and multiple friends to cancer.
Having a sexual partner not immediately respect a no and call me too sensitive when I spoke up about it.
Having sex with someone who told me, while inside of me, that she thought fat bodies were disgusting.
Working for a celebrity speaker that had me non-stop traveling around the world and exhausted when I was home.
COVID lockdown and a fear of communicable diseases.
Launching SchoolForWriters.com and trying to grow my business.
Getting a book deal for my debut fiction novel, Because Fat Girl, and working my ass off to make it a big hit.
Two surgeries that removed four organs, which made sex painful.
In the ironic and spiraling way our brains work, I have spent these past years feeling shame about how much shame I feel about a topic I used to talk about specifically to reduce shame.
Looking at that list all compiled together, out in the open, for you to see, I’m able to truly give compassion to my past self. That is a lot to deal with in one lifetime, more or less a handful of years.
Looking at that list, I reminded that by talking about shame we are able to help diffuse it. By bringing things to light, we are able to stop being scared of the darkness within and around us.
What was supposed to be a stepping away from my Queerie Bradshaw online persona ended up becoming an ever-increasing withdrawal from the sex and kink community.
It is not a coincidence that I am reviving my old Queerie Bradshaw blog in this time of political and social darkness. As I said in my post announcing the Queerie Bradshaw return:
I can’t single-handedly stop the rolling back of LGBTQ rights. But I can practice my single-tailed whip skills.
I can’t march every single day protesting ICE’s unconstitutional detaining of immigrants without warrants or due process. But I can have an orgasm every evening before bed.
I can’t hug every single human who is scared for their life and freedom under our new administration. But I can make sure the bottoms who submit to me feel cared for, appreciated, and adored.
It is a radical act to proudly and openly experience queer, fat, kinky, neurodiverse, non-binary femme pleasure, love and joy. And right now is the time for radical acts.
So, I’ve decided to revive my Queerie Bradshaw blog for the summer as a way to reclaim desire, build community, and share my experiences so we both feel less alone.
It is a radical act to proudly and openly experience queer, fat, kinky, neurodiverse, non-binary femme pleasure, love and joy. And right now is the time for radical acts.
If you’re not interested in sex, dating, and kink, but want to stay on my Substack list, you can simply scroll down, click “update preferences” and untick the publication “Queerie Bradshaw.”
But I hope you’ll join in on the adventures, read through the posts, and share your own experiences in the comments. Because a revolution is more fun with friends.
The world is on fire, let’s get kinkier together. 🪢
With love and lust,
Lauren
P.S. Got a topic you want me to discuss on the blog this summer? Let me know in the comments.
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