It's Not That You're Bad at Tech. It's Misogyny.
On physiological panic, mediocre white men, and why feeling triggered by technology is not a personal failing.
Dear friend,
I’ve started this post and the accompanying video over like 10 times, and every time I go to start it, I want to say I’m triggered — which feels hyperbolic because I’m just talking about tech
But then I think about the fact that I came home from an event to teach me tech recently, and I called myself a failure. And I almost canceled the whole thing, including making a movie.
So today we’re going to talk about tech and how it can be really hard for women to not feel like they have to be perfect with technology before they move forward in some kind of creative pursuit.
My Credentials (That I Keep Forgetting I Have)
I have an undergrad in film. I’m returning to filmmaking after a 20-year detour in publishing — with this little side quest called getting a law degree.
I feel like I need to say that I’m not a tech expert and I don’t really know that much about tech, and like, you should totally go to somebody who knows what they’re talking about. Because what would little old me know?
I find myself constantly minimizing the actual experience I have of using technology all the time, every day. Taking classes on it. Going to workshops where I can get my hands on it and learn from other people. Going to conferences to learn it.
I’m the person my family calls when there’s a tech issue!
But right now I’m working on my first short film, No Animals Harmed — please check it out, we would love your support — and I’m finding myself having real physiological panic over the tech.
How do I work a camera?
What about lighting?
What the heck is a gaffer or a grip?
G&E — I just realized — is gear and equipment.
Why didn’t I learn any of this in film school?
I came back from two events recently – the Alliance of Women Directors conference and a San Diego Film and Equipment and San Diego Women in Cinema event – and realized that this was the first time I’d seen women actively teaching this stuff as experts.
I started thinking about the way that I just assumed my little creative brain could never figure this out.
Why hadn’t I seen women doing this before now?
Where does this idea that women naturally suck at tech come from?
If you answered misogyny — ding, ding, ding, you’re correct.
I understand that I blame misogyny all the time when talking about what held me back. And I am the first person to say I held myself back, for sure. But I think it’s part of oppression to convince you that it’s your fault that you didn’t make it through the overwhelming oppression.
I looked back at film school and I wasn’t even offered the cinematography classes. The directing class was encouraged for my guy friends and not for me.
None of those boys knew anything about how to do any of the tech — and yet I just assumed boys could figure it out, but I couldn’t.
What’s that saying? If boys can do it, how hard can it be?
I would go to the film festivals, I would go to the gear classes, I would go to the places and try to figure it out — and I would get talked down to like: “Oh, you’re a cute little girly. Just go back to your little writing thing.”
I am somebody who does things imperfectly all the time, so why do I feel like my tech systems have to be perfect?
I built an online school. I’ve had sales funnels. I’ve launched courses and programs. I’ve made multiple six figures. All of that required tech. All of it is online. Every part of my business is online.
And yet every time an email has a glitch, every time a system doesn’t work exactly right, every time a funnel’s off, I just think: ugh, I can’t do this stuff. It’s just not for me.
In the same way that I’ve always been like: oh, I’m just bad at math.
And I think back to first grade when I was actually really good at math. I was better than everybody else in the class at math, until fourth grade, when I got made fun of for being good at math. And then I got into fifth grade, and I had a teacher who actively put me down for how smart I was.
A male teacher, by the way.
I think about the statistics about how girls do better in school until fifth grade, when puberty hits and suddenly they have to be beautiful, not smart.
I’m someone who prides herself on her intelligence. I work my brain a lot. And yet when it comes to tech, I think of myself as an idiot — even though I am so much more competent than most of the people in my life when it comes to this.
In fact, I felt so incompetent that I didn’t even ask at this event — of women who were being super supportive and encouraging us to ask questions — what’s a gaffer? What’s a grip? What does G&E mean?
I came up with all these reasons.
I’m too old. I’m 43. I’m not that old.
I’m too dumb. I’m actually a really smart person who could figure this out.
I’m just not that great at tech. I’m the person everybody calls when they need tech help.
God, Give Me the Confidence of a Mediocre White Man
I’ve seen mediocre white men make millions. I’ve seen them make movies. I’ve seen them become president of our country.
So why do I think that I have to have a perfect email sequence to run a business, or understand everything having to do with lighting to make a movie?
I hire a gaffer — which I now know is the chief lighting and electrician on a film set. And they go along with a grip, who works all the other equipment that’s not lighting and electrical.
Two things I didn’t realize while I took this course. Two things that I left film school not knowing.
Film school!
Gaffer and grip are two of the biggest things on a film set, and I left film school not knowing what those meant — and being too ashamed to ask because I thought I was dumb.
The fact that it wasn’t in here, that I didn’t know it, when I can remember everything from the critique classes and the writing classes they encouraged us to take — the “women’s classes.”
I’m not going to let imperfection stop me from making this movie.
I’m going to mess it up. I’m going to learn, just like the boys did. Hands-on, figuring it out myself, with a team of women and queers around me supporting me and cheering me on.
And a couple of male allies.
I’m so grateful that I’ve built a creative career and a kind of life where I can say: hey, guess what? I don’t know what I’m doing. I know a lot — I’ve been a storyteller and a visual storyteller for over 20 years — but I don’t know how to run electrical equipment.
I’m allowed to do it mediocre and scared and hard and before I feel ready.
And friends, so are you.
So if there is a tech thing you’re trying to learn, if there’s a term you don’t know, if there’s a trigger you have when it comes to something — know that you’re not alone. Don’t let that stop you from going out there and using your voice and making art and doing something creative today.
Because the world needs our stories now more than ever.
With love and creativity,
Lauren
P.S. The crowdfunding campaign for No Animals Harmed is officially ON — and I'd love your help getting this film made.
Every donation and every share matters more than you know. It feels like a pat on the back and whisper in my ear “keep going!” I literally could not do this without you.
Check out NoAnimalsHarmedFilm.com to see how you can be part of the team.