Am I Too Old for This?
I never made a 40 Under 40 list and I'm still trying to figure out how to be an adult — but I'm going after my dreams anyway. And I think you should too.
Dear friend,
Do you ever feel like you’re just too old for something?
Lately, I’ve found myself worrying that I’m “past my prime” — which is hilarious considering I’m only 43. Statistically speaking, I’m only halfway through my life.
With my family’s genes, I could live to be 45 or 105. You never know.
What I do know is that life is too short to wait to go after your dreams.
Still, as I start pre-production on my first short film, I worry I’m way too late to the game.
Maybe it’s because I’ve had a bunch of surgeries lately. Maybe it’s because I started noticing the wrinkles in my face. Or maybe it’s because I’m trying to reenter an industry that values youth above all.
I keep wondering when I’m going to be brave enough to feel worthy of going after what I really want in life.
And then I have to laugh, because I already am.
I’ve Never Made One of Those Big Lists
I haven’t hit the New York Times Bestsellers list or been listed by Time or Out Magazines as an influential person.
I’m too late for one of those 40-Under-40 lists. Do they ever do 100 Under 100? I’d could maybe make that.
I was featured on the Autostraddle “50 Queer Women with Outrageously Good Hair” list in 2012. Peak of my career.
Other than that one brief brush – pun intended – with fame, I’ve never really been able to “make it big” in a way that got me to the level of success I expected by this age.
If I followed the advice I was given in my early twenties, by this time in life I should have $500,000 in retirement savings, a husband, two kids, and a dog.
One out of four ain’t bad?
At the very least, by 43 I thought I’d have my shit together in life.
But what does it even mean to have your shit together?
I’ve been through decades of therapy, processed my trauma and I’m able to regulate my emotions. That’s together.
I’ve got a creative business that pays my bills, a positive net worth, and financial stability. That’s together.
I know how to keep it together under pressure.
I can put an outfit together.
I am great at gathering lovely humans together.
Does that mean I “have my shit together” as a 43 year old?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The Joy of Being “Over the Hill”
I grew up with people throwing graveyard themed parties when people turned 40 – the idea being that your life was over.
“It’s all downhill from here,” they would say.
But lately I’ve been wondering if it’s downhill in a good way.
Maybe time goes faster when you get older because you’re no longer carrying heavy baggage of youth.
Take my film career for example.
In my twenties, everyone in and out of film school made it very clear that Los Angeles would be horrible to a fat, queer, woman like me. I avoided filmmaking for two decades because of that.
In my forties, I don’t care if someone doesn’t like my body – I love it. I’m about as far out of the closet as someone can get and I couldn’t hide my queerness even if I wanted to. And I took years of self-defense classes, so I know exactly what to do if a man even tries to touch me in appropriately.
Making a short film now, the process is significantly less scary and more easeful than it was when I made my last film in 2005 – precisely because I am older.
Besides confidence and my mean right hook, I also come with twenty years of storytelling under my belt and a decade of working on massive live events that are like film productions.
I’ve been to law school, have done countless 33 Asks® sticker charts to build up my resilience, and have the confidence that if I can find a way to make it happen.
But even if I didn’t have all of that, I would still want to go after this goal.
Even if you are starting from zero, your dreams are still worth pursuing, no matter what your age.
And then, there’s dating.
Professionally, I have the confidence of a Queen. I easily converse with everyone from world leaders to best selling novelists, celebrities to sound techs.
But put me in front of a cute queer and suddenly I’m an awkward preteen staring at her crush from across the gym, unable to get the guts up to ask her to dance.
At least that’s how I was for the first 25 years of my dating life.
Then I turned 40 and suddenly I was a hot cougar.
In my 20’s, I dated closeted women who hid me away. Growing up, I’d been told how dangerous it was for me to be queer, how disgusting my body was for being fat, and that no one would want me because I was too loud and opinionated.
I liked myself, but I believed that no one else could like me, so I settled for assholes who treated me like I thought I deserved.
In my 40’s, I don’t give a $#!+ if you like me or not. I love myself and that’s all that matters. That love shines through and attracts others to me in ways I’d never experienced before – and am still not used to.
Plus, I just happen to be middle aged when it’s trending to date older women. It’s a whole thing right now, and I am regularly hit on by people who weren’t even born when I came out.
And while Lauren of even two years ago would have been flattered – and probably would have taken them up on the offer – these days I’m looking for something more substantial.
Which means I have to change my tactics.
What does a “thirst trap” look like when you’re 43 years old, have a successful career, and are looking for somebody who is emotionally regulated, financially stable, and wants to travel the world with you?
How do you swipe right on personality?
How do you check for talent on a dating app?
How do you filter for “I’ve been through some shit and I’ve healed through it, and I want you to have been through some shit and healed too”?
How does one date in their 40’s?
If you know how, please share with me. I can use all the dating tips I can get.
Arriving with Leverage
I’m not going to lie, it is scary to explore a new storytelling medium in my forties. I can’t stop thinking that there’s no way I’ll catch up to the people who started twenty years ago.
But I would never tell a painter that she is too old to learn to sing.
I would never discourage an accountant from learning to roller skate.
I would never tell a child that she is too fat, queer, and feminine to follow her passions.
Even if people told me that.
So then, I will not tell my 43-year-old self that she is too late, too old, and too inexperienced to try something new.
And I hope that by sharing my journey, I am able to inspire and encourage you to go after your dreams as well – regardless of your age or experience level.
Because the world needs our stories now more than ever.
With love and art,
Lauren
P.S. Are you trying something new in your life? Reply and let me know, I’d love to cheer you on.
Sharing Is Caring
If you’re interested in making movies, or just love to hear about the process, these books are great to pick up:
Story by Robert McKee – the book everyone in the industry insists you read and truly a great one for any storytellers out there, regardless of your genre
Dialogue by Robert McKee – this gave me such great tips for writing better scenes between characters
The Original by Priya Parmar – I love how queer this book is and how wonderfully alive Hollywood feels in this novel
If you found this post to be inspiring, you’ll love my books:
The Writer’s Career Guide: How to Build a Sustainable Creative Life on Your Terms – if you want to start a writing career and get paid for your creative work, I put everything I know into this book
Bawdy Love: 10 Steps to Profoundly Loving Your Body – with its journal prompts and coloring pages, this book is fun and healing
Because Fat Girl – a perfect summer read if you want to escape into a world of filmmaking that has fabulous fashion and a happy ending for all
Some of these are affiliate links, meaning I get a % if you buy through this link. It’s an easy way to support my work and get a great new read.
I am 74 and working very swiftly to finish. Go Go
You can regulate your emotions? That's actually amazing. Ten years of therapy and I still turn into a teenager when I'm triggered 😭