I Have No Idea What I'm Doing, But I'm Not Going to Let That Stop Me.
I've been putting off posting this for over a week. Then I heard Michelle Obama interview Steven Spielberg — and that's what finally got me to say this publicly.
Dear friend,
As I start to cast, hire crew, and crowdfund for my first film, I’m scared that I have no idea what I’m doing.
It feels even scarier to admit that publicly (so scary, in fact, I’ve put off sending this email for over a week now).
I worry people will think less of me if they know that I’m nervous about doing this. I worry no one will join the crew if they know I’m new. I worry no one will audition if they know I’ve only directed theater and motivational speakers. I worry people will judge – or worse pity – me if they know of my fear.
Which is ironic, because I get so much inspiration from other people’s bravery. I love cheering on friends who take on new and nerve-racking projects. I applaud imperfections in other people’s pursuit of art and love.
But me? Oh no, I obviously have to look like I’ve got my shit together at all times.
Does that sound familiar?
If you’re still reading, I’m going to guess this idea of self-inflicted perfectionism resonates.
You might also have a creative project you’re dreaming of right now that you’re not sure how to get off the ground. (This post and this post can help!)
Maybe for you it’s a trip you want to take, language you want to explore, or relationship you want to foster. Maybe you’re also feeling too old, too scared, or too overwhelmed with the political climate to have the energy to be brave.
Or maybe, like me, you tried once, and felt like a scared failure when it didn’t work out.
If fear is holding you back, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.
Bad news, it’s not going away.
Good news, you’re not alone.
Recently, I listened to Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson interview Steven Spielberg for their podcast. Spielberg is notoriously reclusive when talking about his own life, preferring to focus on his art, but in this interview they went personal.
And in it, he shared that every single film feels like a scary new venture for him.
Yes, even the great Steven Spielberg gets nervous about making a movie.
He is surrounded by a loyal family-like crew that has been with him for decades, and yet the story, the actors, the sets, even some of that crew, it’s all new. Which means the expectations, the excitement, and the nerves are all new as well.
It’s got me wondering if any of us ever has an idea what we’re doing, or if we’re all just doing it scared and adjusting as we go.
And I think this might be especially true when it comes to love and art, the two things I’m exploring most in life right now.
It’s easy to say, “do it scared” but it’s another thing to actually do the damn thing when you’re shaking and feel like you’re going to puke.
I felt less alone as an artist, filmmaker, and human being in this world, knowing that even Steven Spielberg gets nervous starting a new project. It gave me inspiration to share that I am scared, nervous, and excited all at once — in case you also needed to know you’re not alone.
Some days, the only thing that gets me through is to think about how my bravery allows others to feel brave.
I came out when I was twelve. It felt like both nothing and everything at once. I’d known forever, everyone around me had known as well, and yet saying that I liked girls out loud suddenly made me the target of vitriol.
That I had anticipated. Since my early childhood, I’d been bullied for being fat, loud, and queer in every sense of the word. As heartbreaking as it sounds, I just expected people to always hate me for being me.
I’d always liked myself, but I just assumed no one would ever like me back. It’s a common theme in my work and a core wound I’m still trying to heal.
What I hadn’t anticipated were the people who whispered “me too” in my ear, confiding in me privately until they were ready to publicly say it.
I hadn’t known that my bravery would inspire others, who would in turn make me feel less alone and more brave.
Bravery is a glorious and magical cycle.
You just need someone to take the first step and get it started.
So, here I am, saying that I’m scared shitless I’m going to mess this short film up, but I’m doing it anyway, because I want to live a boldly creative life.
What about you?
What’s scaring you that you’re pushing through?
Where are you feeling brave these days?
Let me know in the comments.
Let’s inspire each other to go out there and do it scared.
Because the world needs our stories now more than ever.
With love,
Lauren
P.S. I’m working on the crowdfunding incentives for my short film. If you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them! Picking the incentives is, hilariously, the scariest part of crowdfunding to me right now.
P.P.S. I still need cast and crew for my film!
Want to join the crew? We need lighting, hair, makeup, sound, props, costumes, the works! Let me know if you want to join us by filling out this form.
Want to the cast? I extended the deadline to June 15, so there’s still time to get your audition in! Fill out this form.